Godzilla: Final Wars

This movie can be summed up by the word AWESOME. It has little pieces from other movies, like invading aliens, super human mutants, a futuristic monster hunting world agency, and of course, monsters. What this adds up to is some badass action. While most Godzilla movies come with a few scenes of a monster destroying a city and 1 or 2 scenes of Godzilla and monster fighting in between long scenes of little Japanese boys in short shorts, this movie has all that plus three on one monster battles, transforming monster battles, Human vs. Human battles, including two people fighting on moving motorcycles, and the best of all: Super Humans vs. Giant Monster battles. All of this brought to you by Kitamura Ryuhei, the guy behind the cult action movie Versus. Throw in Don "The Predator" Frye as a steel-balled drillspaceship captain guy and I dare you to name something more awesome.

Godzilla is awesome

Though some of the old school fans dislike the movie because it isn't very serious, I don't know how you can say no to scenes like Godzilla killing the Godzilla from the 98 American remake, billed here as Zilla, or a scene where a squad of people run down the sides of buildings and jump around like power rangers while fighting a Giant Lobster. Its not the greatest movie ever made, but if you can't have fun while watching a movie like this then you need to loosen up a bit. It's a perfect date movie!

7 out of 10 -Edited from an old Netflix review on 9/24/08

Machete

So Machete is a movie about a guy that kills people with machetes, something I can differently get behind, but while the cool idea might seem simple, there are a few complexities involved that makes it a little less so.. The main example being the whole cult status film fandom pandering bullshit angle that the movie came out of.

For anyone not in the know, the movie Machete is based off of a fake trailer that played alongside other fake trailers at the halfway point of Grindhouse, after Planet Terror, and before Death Proof. Though there have been a number of movies that try to relay on the pre-made cult hit gimmick, like Shoot Em Up, which is fucking garbage, Grindhouse was the granddaddy of them all, taking the style that both Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino  had been sprinkling into their films since they both started and concentrating it. It was kinda like taking the tasty nature of salt or sugar and then making a full course meal out of it. So while a good amount of people liked Grindhouse, despite it not doing too well at the box office, it pretty much amounts to the cinema equivalent of junk food sold to us by Hollywood to be ultra cool. Like Extreme Doritos. And Machete is the same fucking thing.

So the tricky part of deciding how you feel about the movie Machete comes from whether you believe the hype or even see it to begin with. Because without that hype, there's not really a lot to talk about or review.

Because of the Doritos joke I made...

If you decide to go along with it, then you get a movie filled with tits and some dudes that get murdered. If that's what you want, that's what you get, but if you are expecting something other than that then I'm not sure whats wrong with you. Because the movie is based off a fucking trailer. The story is that its not important, because the movie is based off a trailer. And the movie stars all the people that were in the trailer. Plus Lindsey Lohan and Bobby DeNiro. All the scenes from the trailer make it into the movie, plus all the new ones because it's an actual movie this time.

So after failing to get Jessaca Alba naked in Sin City, when she was a stripper, the best he can give us here is fake CG sideboob

If you however see though the gimmick and decide that you might not go along with it, because fuck that, then the truth that the movie is based on a trailer from Grindhouse still holds and you find yourself in the same awkward position as me as you wonder if it's even worth bitching about the fact that an intentionally made shitty movie actually turned to be just that. I mean, what was I expecting? I guess I'm the asshole, huh..

One of the main problems is that while the movie isn't horrible, it isn't really that good when compared to some of the other things Rodriguez has done, like Desperado. In fact I feel like everything he's done can be comparably measured by how close it comes to being as cool as Desperado. Desperado was cool, for real, and a huge step up from his first movie, El Mariachi. Then he got into Hollywood and made a bunch of generic type movies like the Faculty, which wasn't bad, and those Spy Kids movies, which are made for kids so whatever, but would always find himself coming back to the action type movies that made him a name. And while they were generally good, each one seemed to move farther away from the awesomeness of Desperado and more towards being mediocre Hollywood crap. From Dusk til Dawn was a pretty fun movie, and a nice change of pace, and even Once Upon a Time in Mexico was pretty enjoyable if still flawed. In fact, I think he was doing pretty good until Sin City came out and you could feel him moving away from his roots and closer to appealing to the lowest common denominator. I'm sure many people will disagree, but a lot of Sin City felt uninspired to me, probably because the whole fucking thing was shot in front of a green screen, but it wasn't a bad movie, just a good indication that something like Machete and Grindhouse was only a matter of time.

 And it's not like this movie isn't already just a overlong "remake" of Danny's cool knife throwing character from Desperado

Ultimately the movie has no real heart to it, and I don't care how much fun people pretend they are having at movies like this or Grindhouse, because nostalgia isn't a substitute for content. Exploitation movies were shitty because they were made on tiny budgets by half competent filmmakers, but despite their flaws and short comings they expressed an attitude of innovation and overcame their limitations to be entertaining in unique and inspiring ways. So it's totally cool if you look up to them. But trying to simply copy them, like this movie, comes across to me as almost insulting.

Up until now many directors have paid respect to these movies, including Rodriguez and Tarantino, and it usually works amazingly, so hats off to them, but Machete is more or less a thoughtless attempt to push past paying respect and comes across as a gimmick. It's an "Old School" action film with an intentional aged look over shitty CGI blood. It's nostalgia for a generation that isn't even old enough to remember these movies. It's that guy that buys thrift store t-shirts and ripped-up jeans for 300 bucks. It's packaging "Cool" and selling it. It's shit is bananas. And it, ultimately, just isn't a good movie.

4 out of 10

Guest Review of Planet Hulk

HULK REVIEW MOVIE ABOUT HULK ON PLANET SURROUNDED BY PUNY ALIENS THAT TRY TO HURT HULK, BUT HULK NOT WANT TO BE ON PLANET, ALIENS HURT HULK, HULK NOT LIKE, HULK SMASH PUNY ALIENS TRYING TO HURT HULK, HULK NOT LIKE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!

WHY HULK ON PLANET YOU ASK, BECAUSE HULK ON PLANET FROM STUPID PUNY RICHARDS AND HIS SO SMART BRAIN TRAP HULK IN STUPID SATELLITE THAT MAKE HULK LOOK DUMB WHEN HULK JUST TRYING TO HELP PUNY RICHARDS, THANKS A LOT HULK GOOD JOB FOR TRYING TO HELP, HERES A SATELLITE TO TAKE HULK TO OWN PLANET WHERE HULK CAN LIVE PEACEFULLY BUT INSTEAD STUPID SATELLITE TAKE HULK TO BAD PLANET, GEE THANKS A LOT STUPID RICHARDS HULK ALWAYS WANT TO BE STUCK ON PLANET AND BE MADE A SLAVE TO SERVE PUNY ALIENS, GREAT PLAN STUPID.

HULK SMASH NASA AND STUPID SATELLITES!!!

HULK ALWAYS WANT TO BE GLADIATOR ON ALIEN PLANET AND BE SHOT AT BY STUPID MAGIC, SO HULK GUESS THAT HULK GET WHAT HULK ALWAYS WANT AND EVERYONE HAPPY NOW RIGHT? HULK JUST GOING TO GO BE FORCED TO FIGHT AGAINST HULK'S WILL, NO BIG DEAL, DON'T MIND HULK, RIGHT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HULK AS PUNY PINK ROMAN ALIENS FROM BAD PLANET TRY TO KILL HULK FOR NO REASON AND BE JERKS LIKE THIS IS ROME WHEN ITS REALLY A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLANET, WHAT KIND OF STUPID MOVIE IS THIS?

HULK SMASH RUSSELL CROWE!!!

AND WHO IS HORSED FACED THUNDER GOD SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAYS HULK ASK? WHERE IS SILVER SURFER? WHAT KIND OF CRAP MOVIE TRYING TO PULL HERE? HULK UNDERSTAND MOVIE NOT FITTING EVERYTHING INTO ITS PUNY RUNNING TIME, BUT WHY MOVIE HAVE TO START MAKING STUFF UP FOR NO REASON, DOES MOVIE EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ?

HULK WISH MOVIE HAD CHILDREN SO HULK COULD KICK THEM IN THEIR PUNY HEAD OR STOMP ON THEIR TESTICLES SO MOVIE COULD FEEL HULK’S PAIN BECAUSE  THAT’S THE PAIN  HULK HAS WAKING UP EVERY DAY, YEAH.

 

HULK SMASH "IRON MAN" MIKE TYSON!!!

ONE GOOD THING IS THAT PUNY BANNER SMART ENOUGH TO NOT SHOW UP AND LET HULK BE HULK FOR LONGEST TIME, HULK FEEL GOOD STRETCHING HULKS LEGS, HULK BET PUNY BANNER GLAD BANNER HAS HULK TO HANDLE PESKY ALIENS, NEVER MIND FACT THAT ITS HULKS FAULT HULK ON PLANET TO BEGIN WITH, CUT HULK SOME SLACK WHAT ARE YOU HULK'S MOTHER????

 

HULK SMASH "IRON MAN" IRON MAN TOO!!!

SO HULK END UP SAVING STUPID PLANET BECAUSE HULK NOT REALLY HAVE CHOOSE NOW DO HULK? HULK FIGHT GIANT UGLY MONSTER AND SMASH MONSTER, HULK FIGHT PUNY ALIEN GLADIATORS AND SMASH PUNY IDIOT GLADIATORS, HULK FIGHT ROBOTS AND WEIRD ZOMBIE SPORE BUGS AND HULK FIGHT BIG EVIL DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS LADY AND HULK SMASH STUPID ROBOTS AND ZOMBIES AND HULK SMASH STUPID LADY!!!

THEN HULK FALL IN LOVE WITH LADY AND BECOMES HAPPY WITH LADY, ITS HULKS FIRST TIME, BE GENTLE WITH HULK.

HULK BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOV.. HULK MEAN HULK SMASH CHER!!!! 

HULK GO ON LONG EPIC ADVENTURE, WITH HULK SAVING ENTIRE PLANET AND MAKING FRIENDS WITH SOME OF THE PUNY ALIENS THAT HULK ADMITS ARE NOT SO BAD, THE DAY IS SAVED AND HULK PROVE DESTINY, EVERYTHING IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD, AND HULK IS IN LOVE AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY AND THEN BOOM, RICHARDS SATELLITE EXPLODES AND KILLS ALL OF HULKS NEW FRIENDS, HULK NOT KNOW HOW RICHARDS GET SUPERHERO STATUS BUT HULK NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT FANTASTIC RICHARDS ASKING FOR HULK TO HELP OUT AND THEN TRAPPING HULK IN SHIP AGAINST HULKS WILL AND SENDING HULK TO HOSTILE PLANET AND WAITING FOR HULK TO FIND THAT ONE LITTLE PIECE OF HAPPINESS THAT WOULD MAKE ALL THE PROBLEMS OF HULKS LIFE WORTH IT BEFORE KILLING EVERYONE HULKS CARES ABOUT AND WHEN HULK GETS BACK TO EARTH HULK GOING TO FIND RICHARDS AND HIS STUPID FRIENDS AND TEACH RICHARDS HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT HULK ALONE!!!!!

HULK SMASH PLANET EARTH!!!

MOVIE GET ??? OUT OF 10 BECAUSE HULK SMASH DVD BEFORE HULK COULD FINISH MOVIE.

Funny Games 5-10

So I caught around 10 minutes of, what I think was like 
30 to 40 minutes into, the movie Funny Games playing 
on some movie channel the other day and from what I 
can tell, the whole movie is about these two guys going 
into a house for no reason and pretty much doing 
whatever they feel like to this family that doesn't even 
try stop them from murdering everyone while being 
really awkward, leading me to the conclusion that 
Funny Games is pretty much just some german guys 
making the anti-thesis to the movie Home Alone.

 AHHHHHHHHHHH

Leave it to stupid Germany >:(
5 out of 10

Zombieland

There's not really a lot to say about this movie other then the fact that it was alright and everyone seems to think its great, when it isn't, its just alright. So in an attempt to rationalize something that isn't even really worth putting any thought into, I'm going to try and figure out why I don't like this movie as much as everyone else. while reviewing it. Awesome.

So the movie is about there being zombies around and, well, that's pretty much the story. Zombies are real. That's cool, you can tell that from the title, so no surprise, and usually you don't need story in a zombie movie so no big deal. Then you meet the main character who is played by that guy from the movie Adventureland, which this is not a sequel to, and who is not Michael Cera. He gives us his Zombieland rules, which are made up of helpful tips on what not to do in the zombie apocalypse. He also talks about whats its like to live in "Zombieland" and how "Zombieland" came to be and general uses the word "Zombieland" a lot, which is cute, I guess...

I mean, its not a bad movie. Its actually a pretty well made movie, its just hard to care about a movie that tries so hard.

Here's a picture from the movie that I found on the internet

Though zombie movies don't have to have great stories, since I can't really think of one that actually does, they do have to have zombies in them. I mean yeah, we got a few scene every once in a while where Woody Harrison's character kills one or two zombies in what are supposed to be really badass ways, but the movie is mostly 4 characters saying and doing goofy things while there are supposed to be zombies around. Its more like a road trip movie, but it doesn't even feel like that, because there isn't any wacky things that happen to them as they travel, because everyone's dead. They just kinda chill in each scene as the movie moves on. And although there are a few funny moments, none of them are laugh out loud as much as they are those moment where you go 'Oh you!" and the movie just shrugs with a big smile on its face. Its all very enjoyable, but I don't know why all the people in the theater were going so crazy over this stuff. I mean these guys were wetting their pants over how amazingly awesome this shit was, and all I saw was Woody Harrison hitting fat people in a grocery store. And Woody Harrison's character was probably the worst part of the movie.

Yeah, it's cool when you have a badass character that does cool things when there are zombies around, but Woody's character was so forced that it was kinda distracting. They have him being half way between a redneck that likes nascar and being a normal guy who wants twinkies, with none of it feeling like it actually works. And there's also his "Nut up, or shut up" catch phrase thing that doesn't work as either a real catch phrase or parody of a action movie catch phrase, and is probably the reason I gave this a 6 and not a 7. Its time to nut up or shut up guys. Nut up or shut up. They even put it on the poster, seriously, go back up to the top of the review and look at it.

Now I'm just throwing in random funny pictures from my hard drive. Its a sign of a tree.

Though I think these complaints should look pointless to anyone that likes the movie, I'm not really trying to sway anyone's opinion. I don't really have a problem with people liking this movie, or even thinking its fucking amazing, because if you like it, then you like it. There's no reason you should listen to anyone else. But I feel like this movie was liked because people wanted to like it more then they actually liked it. Its missing any atmosphere, story, or characters that usually make these movie fun or interesting and just kinda gives the audience some safe entertainment in its place. I heard that the idea was originally developed as a television show, which makes a lot of sense to me because it feels like a TV show. Like one you'd see on NBC. A nice sitcom with cute zombie scenarios where the characters try to get closer to that theme park they are trying to get to for no reason, without anyone dying or the status qua changing. I still don't know why they were trying to get there. That's kinda stupid. It would have been a better movie if it were simply Dawn of the Dead in Disney Land instead of a mall. That would have been sweet.

6 out of 10

The Limits of Control 3-10

One of the most exhausting and repetitive tasks of dealing with anything of artist merit is the discussion of artistic merit and what the definition of art is. People either pose the question out of personal curiosity, or they are most likely trying to make a point that there is no agreed upon definition of art. I'm already bored of talking about. So I submit to you, just like that guy on the twilight zone, the movie The Limits of Control. A movie that is essentially about nothing, which will have many asking if it is or isn't art, while trying to explore the more artistic side of the track, although I'm being generous with the word "explore."

The plot of the movie is that you don't know what is going on for two hours as a single character completes repetitive tasks and meets a number of colorful supporting character, with the only other character that shows up for more than a one minute long scene being a naked lady that just seems to be there until she becomes one of the repetitive tasks. She shows up towards the end of the movie again to show some more tits before the movie comes to a conclusion and you realize that it definitely wasn't worth it.

Naked and glasses is as interesting as this movie will get.

If that sounds interesting to you, then be my guest and watch the movie, but if it doesn't,  allow me to ruin the 2 hours of nothing happening you would have to watch and just tell you the point of the movie. As the main character goes all over Spain he does things like visit an art museum, watching bar gypsy's preform, and ordering two espressos in separate cups. He meets up with different people and listens to them talk about movies, music, bohemians, and how science is about molecules and whatnot. He trades match boxes with them, reads a note inside, eats it, and then moves to the next scene where he does the same thing. At one point he gets diamonds in a matchbox and gives it to the naked girl, and then he later gets an old guitar. He eventually makes his way out to the countryside where he finds a compound. The helicopter that he's been looking at the whole movie lands, and he uses his imagination to sneak inside.

Sitting at a table.

Here he confront Bill Murray, who is supposed to be some American figurehead of authority, who calls him a smelly hippy. He kills him with the E string from the old guitar and then goes back to looking at "art" in a museum, making the movie amount to being a revenge fantasy about the artsy farstys coming together to hire an assassin to kill "The Man." I'm sure the idea would be genius if it didn't seem like something I would have came up with when I was 13-years-old. The fact that there isn't a payoff at the end makes the rest of the movie, and all the time spent watching it, wasted.

More sitting at a table...

Though the movie itself is dumb, that doesn't really bother me. I see dumb movies all the time. The worst part about this movie is that I really like and respect Jim Jarmusch and his movies, but the terribleness of this movie makes me question if he actually deserves it. I hate to use the word pretentious, but if I ever did, now would be the most appropriate time to do so. This movie is so self important without having the slightest point or meaning that if makes me wonder how anyone, especially a filmmaker I much respect, would make it.

 The poster is seriously cool though, so I'll put it in twice

The thing that bothers me about the "what is art" question is that you'd have to be an idiot to put so much stock into something you haven't even defined. I mean for real, if you don't know what art is then why do you even care? Why go through the trouble of posing as an intellectual without a developed understanding of what you're even talking about? Is the allure of being a fancy pants artist really that strong that it draws the attention of every self-important idiot and causes them to put on a shallow facade that spits in the face of reason, or what the fuck?

I define art as expression, because when I listen to music, or watch movies, or read a story, I enjoy it when the music, movie, or story expresses something to me and I can feel what the creator was going for, and to me that is art. If something is just a bunch of bullshit put together to try and fool us into thinking there is some hidden meaning we arn't grasping "because we arn't cultured enough" to get it, it isn't art, its still just bullshit. Which is what this movie is. Bullshit.

3 out of 10 for too much sitting at tables...

Dexter: Season 1 8-10

In the world of Pokemon you follow the adventures of a Pokemon trainer as they explore exotic  envirnonments, catch wild Pokemon, fight other Pokemon trainers, visit Pokemon gyms, relax in Pokemon hotels, get better in Pokemon hospitals, invest in Pokemon timeshares, get rich in the Pokemon stock market, pull a 5-stretch in a Pokemon minimum security prison for committing grand theft Pokemon, get married, have kids, love Pokemon, and meet everyone else in Pokemon world that love Pokemon as much as them.  It's like the real world, but everyone is obsessed with Pokemon.

Dexter is a lot like Pokemon, but with serial killers.

The idea of the show is that Dexter Morgan, the main character, has a mysterious past, which has left him as an empty person that feels the need to kill people. Being adopted by the policeman that rescued him from the gruesome scene he was found in as a 3 year old, he was raised by that policeman, Frank, in a manner that helps him control his urges to kill and focus them away from innocent people. This results in a character that mixes Chirstain Bale's portrayal of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, and Christain Bale's portrayal of Batman in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, making him a serial killer that kills other serial killers in the name of justice.

I'M BATeMAN!!!

The show resembles other crime scene shows like the millions of CSI shows and the billions of other Cop Drama shows just like it, but unlike those shows, Dexter is actually good. Dexter is himself not actually a cop, but a blood splatter analysis, or whatever its called. He uses the patterns of blood found at violent crime scenes to determine how and what has happened. This means he works with the police, which makes up the entire supporting cast of the show, including his sister Deb, while being a killer. So him having a secret he can't tell anyone is a big part of the show's theme. Like a really big deal.

The show itself sets up some rules without ever getting stuck in a formula, so there's no "monster of the week", although the first few episodes deal with multiple story lines, one of them always being which killer Dexter is secretly hunting after. The rest of the show deals with developing the supporting characters, giving us flashback that help us see Dexter's past, and getting deeper into the main story ark of the season. In the first season, which is the only one I've seen up til writing this, the story deals with a serial killer that kills and cuts up hookers, wrapping their bloodless body parts and displaying them like art. Dexter falls in love with the unknown guy and by the end of the first episode we find out that most of what is being done by this killer is done as a message to Dexter. This story works as a spine that supports the rest of the side stories, helping to build continuity while letting the episodes stand on their own.

I also like the fact that James Remar, one of my favorite actors (see Ajax from the Warriors), shows up muilitple times in each episode through flashbacks as Dexter's deceased adopted father. That means that they can't kill his character off, because he's already dead!

 Look at how dead he is. Its great!

The story is well written, tight, and it's the execution of the story and the content of it that makes the show so good. While many shows go all over the place, being funny one minute, and dramatic the next, Dexter is able to build tension and have humor while maintaining the same tone, which works since, after all, Dexter is an empty, emotionless person, so the drama has a way of sliding off of him and letting him move on. A lot of the show is told through flashbacks too, which is something I always like.

My only complaint is the whole storyline that deals with Dexter's girlfriend and all the drama around her two kids and the fact that she has a husband that did a lot of drugs and raped her often before being sent to prison for the first half of the season. When he gets out after a few episodes, they try to focus a lot of the drama of him being around, and although it is kinda entertaining, with the guy being a huge dickhead and being played by Satan from Supernatural, it feels forced because seriously, why would someone that is empty inside really care about all this shit and not just walk away. In fact I'm not sure why he has a girlfriend to begin with, though I think he explains it in the first episode, probably as a way of looking normal, because its such a hassle that anyone, let alone someone without emotions, would just say fuck it. Its the same unnecessary bullshit that they always throw into movies and tv shows to add drama, but end up taking away from the main storyline, and though it a lot more tolerable in this show, its still pointless.

Dexter's Laboratory is like Pokemon with mad scientist!

In the end the show is the perfect example of why television shows that can tell a long running storyline are a lot more interesting than the movies coming these days. The character's and theme within the stories are interesting enough to draw you in, and the writting is so excellent and well crafted that you will come to care about all the character's, even if you started out disliking them at the beginning of the season. I can't think of the last time story alone has been able to hold my interest in a movie. I guess I should start reviewing TV shows.

8-10 Pokemans

Ninja Assassin

Here's the run down on this movie. Pay attention so you don't get lost. Ninja's are real. the main character, played by Korean music sensation Rain,  is an orphan that was trained by a secret ninja school when he was a little kid. His love interest was killed and he later rebels against the ninjas. Years, or months, or maybe even days later the chick from 28 days later is investigating the ninjas for some reason as part of EUROPOL, which may or may not be real, I don't know or care, and the ninja attack her of COURSE! Then the hero comes to her rescue for some reason, because he needs her, because he says she has a special heart. Then he gets captured by EUROPOL, EUROPOL gets wiped out by ninjas, and then he wipes out the ninjas. So its like rock paper scissors, but with ninjas, European swat teams, and Korean pop stars. He gets revenge against the guy that killed his girlfriend, who isn't really character because he has no name, no purpose in the movie, and no lines other then "Hey Brother!" Then Rain fights the head ninja guy, the girl gets stabbed, Rain decides to stop sucking, and he wins the movie. We find out that the girls heart is on the other side of her body and the movie sucks.

Hey Brother!!

Does it sound like any movie you've seen before, or does it sound like every movie you've ever seen before? Yeah. So your thinking to yourself, "yeah, the story sucks, but its an action movie!" and I say "YEAH, but the action sucks too!" The movie opens with a pretty cool scene where we see a bunch of Japanese gangsters get torn up, but we never really see anything other then a few guys getting their heads CGI'd off. Its cool at the beginning because it doesn't show you the action just yet and you think "Cool, I can't wait till later when the action gets better" and then it gets worst. After the cool intro we're treated to one of those scenes where we see investigators trying to figure out whats going on behind the scenes and that's when I said "Fuck this movie >:O!" I don't want this bullshit! This is a fucking Ninja movie. I got really mad and everyone was like "Come on man, calm down!" and I was like "Fuck that!" and I killed myself. Then the rest of the movie takes place in Germany, and I killed myself again.

Seriously, as the movie went on, it became more clear that the filmmakers were making this up on the fly. Its like when I was a little kid and me and my little kid friends would play Star Wars or Jurassic Park and make up the movie as we went along. Only our action scenes were a lot better. Like when I escaped from a triceratops stampede on a motorcycle in the middle of a collapsing factory. That shit was awesome. Ninja Assassin's action is terrible and its the reason I hate this movie. When you watch a movie about ninjas, you should be expecting good action. You should be expecting a bunch of guys jumping all over the place, running up walls and shit. You should be expecting some decently choreographed sword fighting. You should be expecting at least one or two  guys to be turned into gushing fountains of blood, and at least one person getting poisoned and vomiting up a ton of blood. Yeah, what you get is a bunch of lazy quick cuts, shaky camera bullshit, and cartoony looking CGI blood. I don't get CGI blood. I mean, I don't get why so many people use shaky camera either, because it just makes it hard to follow the action, but I really don't get CGI blood effects.

Rain a.k.a Mr. Make-It-Rain-On-Them-Hoes

Out of all the complex effects needed for any action movie, bloodpacks are the simplest and best way to show blood exiting the human body. It's simple because all you do is put fake blood in a squib or in a hose hidden in the needed area and have it go off. The technique has been used for years, and it looks more realistic then CGI, which anyone can spot. I just don't get why you would throw out something that's worked for years and years for something that cost so much more, takes so much longer to do, is a lot more complicated, cost a hell of a lot more, and looks so much worst. I mean this is something that was figured out way back at the start of action movies. Its one of those things that was checked off as being done. No need to work on it anymore because we got that shit all figured out. But no, we got to put CGI in. Dickheads.It looked dumb in Beat Takashi's Zatoichi, and it looks dumb here. At least Zatoichi was a decent movie.

Ninja Silent Assassin is slightly better because of the poster

Overall there arn't many positives, or any at all really. The story doesn't even count as a story as much as its a pile of lazy cliches, that weren't even used properly, and the action was embarrassing. I'm actually surprised there's anyone around to defend this piece of shit, but then again, a lot of people liked V for Vendetta, another movie by the same director, and that was shit too. In fact, fuck anyone that likes this movie, because its a perfect example of bad filmmaking. It might sound harsh, but you're taste in movies is awful, and god help us all if there is ever a Ninja Assassin 2. They're probably call it Ninja Assassins. Then the earth will explode.

1 out of 10

Paranormal Activity 6/10

YOU DEMANDED IT, so here it is, the newest dumb scary movie that everyone won't care about a month from now that you demanded. You probably should have demanded something a little more useful, like faithful, honest politicians in your government, better public education, an intelligent strategy to get us out of the current financial crisis, or infinite more demands. But you wanted this movie, and its too late to change your mind now sucker. So here it is.

A movie about paranormal activities...

The story is that THERE ARE GHOSTS OH NO LOOK OUT FOR THE DOOR SLAMMING BY ITSELF DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE ALONE!!! You have two main characters, who are a couple, each in their mid to late 20's, who live in a house, and sleep in a bed together. Don't see this movie alone. The movie begins with Micah, which isn't a real name (despite it being the actors real name), buys a video camera to document all the weird shit going on. We learn that his girlfriend Katie has been having weird occurrences (like her house burning down) happening to her since she was 8 years old, and the rest of the movie takes place in the bedroom at night while the two sleep. We get two other characters later, one which is Katie's sister, or friend, or something, and the other who is a spazoid psychic guy who tells us that Katie is being stalked by a demon.

Don't see this movie alone. Because half of it takes place in the couples bedroom and that would make you a creep.

The movie takes advantage of its documentary/homemade feel and lets the audience suspend disbelief by letting them imagine that this is all really happening. And that's it. That's the hook. We're treated to scenes of the couple talking about pointless shit, to show they are a real couple, and then scenes in the bedroom at night where we wait for 3 minutes to hear weird sounds and see the lights down the hallway being turned on. As the movie progresses, more and more lights are turned on, until the couple can't sleep any more and has to get up to turn them off.

Although the "this is really happening" feel works well, the fact that the movie takes place over multiple nights doesn't. As things get worst there becomes no reason for the couple to stay in the house. The "the demon will only follow you where ever you go" explanation tries to handle this problem, but for real, if there was a demon in my house, fuck that. I would go to a public place, or invite a bunch of people over, or tell the news, or... get a dog, or something. They seriously do nothing to help their situation, and as it gets worst, all they do is keep going to sleep in the same bed and waiting for the same shit to happen again.

In this movie we find out that Demons are really just the ghosts of Velociraptors.

Micah, what a dumb name, does try to solve the problem, but he does it like some kind of retard. And although his character has some funny lines in the movie, he gets really annoying as he more or less acts like a pissed off boyfriend the whole time. When Katie wants to call an exorcist, tough guy says "No" because it will only make it worst (what?) and that its his house and that he's going to beat that loser Demon's ass for messing with his girl. He continues to not take any of it seriously, even after its been established that there is actually a demon running around, and it makes things worst. And even though the fucking thing is invisible, he always reacts by running around and trying to find out who did it. The door slams. Oh NO, I wonder who did that, lets look around to see if they are hiding, even though we already have proof that it was an invisible demon.

And even though this movie wasn't really scary (sorry I just don't find door slamming on their own to be frightening) I know that if this shit was happening to me for real, it would be terrifying. no way would I sit around waiting for something else to happen. I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same bed again after thinking "Hey that demon might show up again tonight." So I see no reason why they stayed in the house, or didn't try to improve their situation somehow. By the end of the movie, everything has been built up to where you know something is going to happen, and then the movie ends stupidly. Its just really lame. There's no pay off at all. Just a cheap scare.

I just wanted to throw this in.

In reality the movie isn't that bad, but it isn't that good. Or any good. It isn't good at all, and I find myself going between the thought "It could be worst" and "so could a lot of things, and this movie is hyped up the butt" and I come to the conclusion that I don't really care. I just wrote this review because my other reviews have a tendency to be very long, and I'm wanted to see if the length of my reviews was at all related to me liking the movies or not. I still can't tell.

I think the only reason anyone really likes this movie is because its an "Independent Movie" and you should like things that are independent. Even if they're not that good. It's a movie that seriously anyone could have made, seriously, so don't see it alone. Or pay for your ticket. You should sneak in. But not alone.

6 out of 10 hypes up the butt

Black Dynamite 8/10

Black Dynamite is a good movie. I really liked it.

My favorite part was Black Dynamite!

Black Dynamite is Black. and explosive.

8/10 you Jive Motherfucka's