It's been a year, give or take a few months, since a new review has graced this blog, and in a valiant attempt to breath new life into it's dying embers one soul bravely steps forward to reignite the flames by covering the magnum opus of Cinema's most cherished filmmaker.
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This is the story of
CINEMA ASSAULT 2: Legend of Time's Eternal Change AKA Be a TRUCK!
We pick up from where last we left me, ah, not feeling like reviewing anything for months and months until figuring out, why not do the fucking Transformer movies? I came up with a few reasons, but forgot them so here we go, the pinnacle and single greatest example of what most people consider cinema's new age of mindless bullshit entertainment. Those people are assholes, although they are also right.
Since no one reads this blog but me, it would be pointless to explain to myself how I grew up with the Transformers. How I watched the TV show, had some of the toys, although not as much as some of the other kids, and how the 1986 movie is still probably my favorite movie of all time. So news of Michael Bay directing a big (BIG!) budget summer blockbuster live action movie based on the franchise would surly leave me in a emotionally confused state unable to decide if I hated the news while still being excited. Right? But I wasn't, because I think it came out while I was in college and I didn't really give a shit. I was in college.
So I didn't have any preconceived notions of having already hated it or liking it despite it's flaws, and was able to watch it from a position of apathy, because I was in college. I think I rented it on dvd a year after it came out, and was actually a little bit excited to see it. I remember being thrilled and amazed at the special effects, and thinking it was pretty enjoyable, in comparison to others who had bad mouthed it. And I remember being shocked, because that was all I remembered of the movie. When I tried to do my "Yeah that one scene where whatever happened was awesome" thing I always do after action movies, I couldn't actually think of anything that had happened in the movie. Like waking from a dream, the action, characters, and even plot, seemed to disappear from my memory when I tried hardest to recall them. There were glimpses, small fragments I held on the tip of my brain, but nothing concrete. It was like the movie had washed through my mind.
So, damn, it could have been the best movie ever for all I know, but I'm pretty sure I would have fucking remembered it then...
Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen
So, damn, it could have been the best movie ever for all I know, but I'm pretty sure I would have fucking remembered it then...
So the first movie made like a million dollars and they made a second one. It was bigger, louder, and even less thought out. After defeating the evil Decepticons and killing Megatron at the end of the last movie we now find out that the decepticons aren't defeated, and Megatron isn't dead. OOOHHH! Well ok, lets do it all AGAIN! Awesome. And this time they seriously were just doing random shit the whole movie. Micheal Bay said so. He said it was because of the writers strike or because he didn't care, or whatever.
So while you could just sit back and watch the flashing lights with a big retard smile on your face the first time, this one had so many parts that make you think "What? seriously?" that it actually pulls you out of the movie to take note of the stupid shit going on. As such it tends to make you reflect on the first movie, which mysteriously descend from your subconsciousness, so you can look back in amazement. Like what the fuck was with that Berny Mac scene in the first one? I forgot he was even in the movie. You watch all the lead up in this one with the main character going to College and dealing with all the pointless subplot that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie and you go "Oh yeah, the first movie had like 3 hours of Shia LeBuff trying to be quirky and likable to attract that Megan Fox chick who I guess we are supposed to find attractive, but I mean seriously, what a boring person. What's so attractive about having no personality. She isn't even all that good looking..." and it almost kills the movie for you.
I don't care about this kid's problems. I don't care that he's going to college, or that he is being hit on by some other chick, or anything to do with him and Megan Fox. No one cares about Megan Fox. And even she thought the movie was awful and was talking shit about it until Micheal Bay was like "Fuck you." What an idiot. But yeah, the movie is worst than the first one, but actually kind of memorable for bad reasons. And the subtitle is weird. The main antagonist is a guy named the Fallen. He doesn't really get revenge though..
Transformers 3- Dark of the Moon
So one day I'm on my way to work here in the great mid-western city of Chicago, when I notice that a bunch of the streets around Michigan Avenue are blocked off by police and what looks like a pile of flaming cars. As I try to get around all the commotion and figure out whats going on, I make my way up to see what looks like a giant disaster, and obviously I think to myself "Cool, they're shooting some movie!" But it wasn't just any movie! It was the movie I happen to be talking about right now! I was there! I took pictures! And then later that week I was by Union station and had to go like 3 extra blocks to get around the area because they were shooting there too! And then the same fucking thing happened like 2 more times! Because they were shooting the whole movie in Chicago! Where I live!
It was actually pretty awesome. And when I went to go see the movie, like a year and a half later in the discount theater for 2 bucks because it was already out on dvd, I really enjoyed it, because I was there. There's something about seeing the place you work in and around everyday get invaded by giant robot aliens on the big screen to draw you into the movie. The first half of the movie is all the bullshit with the kid trying to find a job after being out of college for 3 months (Whoa Shit! 3 months out of school and no job!!) and Megan Fox not being there, and whatever, until the bad guys decide for whatever reason to start the invasion of earth in Chicago of all places. Then it gets awesome. The whole second half of the movie takes place downtown, right where I work, where buildings get blown up, and people slid down them, and jump out of planes and do that wingsuit thing through all the wreckage... It was great.
The movie is a fun watch and it helps highlight the problem I have remembering anything from these movies: It's just random bullshit happening for 2 hour. Not that this is a huge revelation, but there is absolutely no reason to think while watching these movies. So your brain can actually be off, because there's nothing worth using it on while watching, so nothing really sticks afterwards. It's about alien robots that can turn into cars and planes that are fighting each other on earth because just because. There's no logic or reason you can apply, no real character development, not even any story, just plot. And when a scene is done, you CAN actually just forget about it because it's no longer useful. It was just alien robots flipping around punching each other in the face. Some times when they get punched in the face they die, or sometimes they get shot a hundred times and are ok. Sometimes they actually fucking die and then come back, because they are alien robots, we don't know how this shit works. When they transform we see a million moving shiny metal pieces flipping around and doing fuck all as far as we can tell, before the dude that looked like a giant metal humanoid thing now looks like a Ferrei, and we don't question it because, whatever, they are robot alien car guys.
Nothing that happens in the whole series makes any sense, so there is nothing for us to invest in. Because you couldn't if you tried. So take them for what they are. Spectacles.
17 out of 30
I don't care about this kid's problems. I don't care that he's going to college, or that he is being hit on by some other chick, or anything to do with him and Megan Fox. No one cares about Megan Fox. And even she thought the movie was awful and was talking shit about it until Micheal Bay was like "Fuck you." What an idiot. But yeah, the movie is worst than the first one, but actually kind of memorable for bad reasons. And the subtitle is weird. The main antagonist is a guy named the Fallen. He doesn't really get revenge though..
So one day I'm on my way to work here in the great mid-western city of Chicago, when I notice that a bunch of the streets around Michigan Avenue are blocked off by police and what looks like a pile of flaming cars. As I try to get around all the commotion and figure out whats going on, I make my way up to see what looks like a giant disaster, and obviously I think to myself "Cool, they're shooting some movie!" But it wasn't just any movie! It was the movie I happen to be talking about right now! I was there! I took pictures! And then later that week I was by Union station and had to go like 3 extra blocks to get around the area because they were shooting there too! And then the same fucking thing happened like 2 more times! Because they were shooting the whole movie in Chicago! Where I live!
It was actually pretty awesome. And when I went to go see the movie, like a year and a half later in the discount theater for 2 bucks because it was already out on dvd, I really enjoyed it, because I was there. There's something about seeing the place you work in and around everyday get invaded by giant robot aliens on the big screen to draw you into the movie. The first half of the movie is all the bullshit with the kid trying to find a job after being out of college for 3 months (Whoa Shit! 3 months out of school and no job!!) and Megan Fox not being there, and whatever, until the bad guys decide for whatever reason to start the invasion of earth in Chicago of all places. Then it gets awesome. The whole second half of the movie takes place downtown, right where I work, where buildings get blown up, and people slid down them, and jump out of planes and do that wingsuit thing through all the wreckage... It was great.
The movie is a fun watch and it helps highlight the problem I have remembering anything from these movies: It's just random bullshit happening for 2 hour. Not that this is a huge revelation, but there is absolutely no reason to think while watching these movies. So your brain can actually be off, because there's nothing worth using it on while watching, so nothing really sticks afterwards. It's about alien robots that can turn into cars and planes that are fighting each other on earth because just because. There's no logic or reason you can apply, no real character development, not even any story, just plot. And when a scene is done, you CAN actually just forget about it because it's no longer useful. It was just alien robots flipping around punching each other in the face. Some times when they get punched in the face they die, or sometimes they get shot a hundred times and are ok. Sometimes they actually fucking die and then come back, because they are alien robots, we don't know how this shit works. When they transform we see a million moving shiny metal pieces flipping around and doing fuck all as far as we can tell, before the dude that looked like a giant metal humanoid thing now looks like a Ferrei, and we don't question it because, whatever, they are robot alien car guys.
Nothing that happens in the whole series makes any sense, so there is nothing for us to invest in. Because you couldn't if you tried. So take them for what they are. Spectacles.
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