Ninja Assassin

Here's the run down on this movie. Pay attention so you don't get lost. Ninja's are real. the main character, played by Korean music sensation Rain,  is an orphan that was trained by a secret ninja school when he was a little kid. His love interest was killed and he later rebels against the ninjas. Years, or months, or maybe even days later the chick from 28 days later is investigating the ninjas for some reason as part of EUROPOL, which may or may not be real, I don't know or care, and the ninja attack her of COURSE! Then the hero comes to her rescue for some reason, because he needs her, because he says she has a special heart. Then he gets captured by EUROPOL, EUROPOL gets wiped out by ninjas, and then he wipes out the ninjas. So its like rock paper scissors, but with ninjas, European swat teams, and Korean pop stars. He gets revenge against the guy that killed his girlfriend, who isn't really character because he has no name, no purpose in the movie, and no lines other then "Hey Brother!" Then Rain fights the head ninja guy, the girl gets stabbed, Rain decides to stop sucking, and he wins the movie. We find out that the girls heart is on the other side of her body and the movie sucks.

Hey Brother!!

Does it sound like any movie you've seen before, or does it sound like every movie you've ever seen before? Yeah. So your thinking to yourself, "yeah, the story sucks, but its an action movie!" and I say "YEAH, but the action sucks too!" The movie opens with a pretty cool scene where we see a bunch of Japanese gangsters get torn up, but we never really see anything other then a few guys getting their heads CGI'd off. Its cool at the beginning because it doesn't show you the action just yet and you think "Cool, I can't wait till later when the action gets better" and then it gets worst. After the cool intro we're treated to one of those scenes where we see investigators trying to figure out whats going on behind the scenes and that's when I said "Fuck this movie >:O!" I don't want this bullshit! This is a fucking Ninja movie. I got really mad and everyone was like "Come on man, calm down!" and I was like "Fuck that!" and I killed myself. Then the rest of the movie takes place in Germany, and I killed myself again.

Seriously, as the movie went on, it became more clear that the filmmakers were making this up on the fly. Its like when I was a little kid and me and my little kid friends would play Star Wars or Jurassic Park and make up the movie as we went along. Only our action scenes were a lot better. Like when I escaped from a triceratops stampede on a motorcycle in the middle of a collapsing factory. That shit was awesome. Ninja Assassin's action is terrible and its the reason I hate this movie. When you watch a movie about ninjas, you should be expecting good action. You should be expecting a bunch of guys jumping all over the place, running up walls and shit. You should be expecting some decently choreographed sword fighting. You should be expecting at least one or two  guys to be turned into gushing fountains of blood, and at least one person getting poisoned and vomiting up a ton of blood. Yeah, what you get is a bunch of lazy quick cuts, shaky camera bullshit, and cartoony looking CGI blood. I don't get CGI blood. I mean, I don't get why so many people use shaky camera either, because it just makes it hard to follow the action, but I really don't get CGI blood effects.

Rain a.k.a Mr. Make-It-Rain-On-Them-Hoes

Out of all the complex effects needed for any action movie, bloodpacks are the simplest and best way to show blood exiting the human body. It's simple because all you do is put fake blood in a squib or in a hose hidden in the needed area and have it go off. The technique has been used for years, and it looks more realistic then CGI, which anyone can spot. I just don't get why you would throw out something that's worked for years and years for something that cost so much more, takes so much longer to do, is a lot more complicated, cost a hell of a lot more, and looks so much worst. I mean this is something that was figured out way back at the start of action movies. Its one of those things that was checked off as being done. No need to work on it anymore because we got that shit all figured out. But no, we got to put CGI in. Dickheads.It looked dumb in Beat Takashi's Zatoichi, and it looks dumb here. At least Zatoichi was a decent movie.

Ninja Silent Assassin is slightly better because of the poster

Overall there arn't many positives, or any at all really. The story doesn't even count as a story as much as its a pile of lazy cliches, that weren't even used properly, and the action was embarrassing. I'm actually surprised there's anyone around to defend this piece of shit, but then again, a lot of people liked V for Vendetta, another movie by the same director, and that was shit too. In fact, fuck anyone that likes this movie, because its a perfect example of bad filmmaking. It might sound harsh, but you're taste in movies is awful, and god help us all if there is ever a Ninja Assassin 2. They're probably call it Ninja Assassins. Then the earth will explode.

1 out of 10

Paranormal Activity 6/10

YOU DEMANDED IT, so here it is, the newest dumb scary movie that everyone won't care about a month from now that you demanded. You probably should have demanded something a little more useful, like faithful, honest politicians in your government, better public education, an intelligent strategy to get us out of the current financial crisis, or infinite more demands. But you wanted this movie, and its too late to change your mind now sucker. So here it is.

A movie about paranormal activities...

The story is that THERE ARE GHOSTS OH NO LOOK OUT FOR THE DOOR SLAMMING BY ITSELF DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE ALONE!!! You have two main characters, who are a couple, each in their mid to late 20's, who live in a house, and sleep in a bed together. Don't see this movie alone. The movie begins with Micah, which isn't a real name (despite it being the actors real name), buys a video camera to document all the weird shit going on. We learn that his girlfriend Katie has been having weird occurrences (like her house burning down) happening to her since she was 8 years old, and the rest of the movie takes place in the bedroom at night while the two sleep. We get two other characters later, one which is Katie's sister, or friend, or something, and the other who is a spazoid psychic guy who tells us that Katie is being stalked by a demon.

Don't see this movie alone. Because half of it takes place in the couples bedroom and that would make you a creep.

The movie takes advantage of its documentary/homemade feel and lets the audience suspend disbelief by letting them imagine that this is all really happening. And that's it. That's the hook. We're treated to scenes of the couple talking about pointless shit, to show they are a real couple, and then scenes in the bedroom at night where we wait for 3 minutes to hear weird sounds and see the lights down the hallway being turned on. As the movie progresses, more and more lights are turned on, until the couple can't sleep any more and has to get up to turn them off.

Although the "this is really happening" feel works well, the fact that the movie takes place over multiple nights doesn't. As things get worst there becomes no reason for the couple to stay in the house. The "the demon will only follow you where ever you go" explanation tries to handle this problem, but for real, if there was a demon in my house, fuck that. I would go to a public place, or invite a bunch of people over, or tell the news, or... get a dog, or something. They seriously do nothing to help their situation, and as it gets worst, all they do is keep going to sleep in the same bed and waiting for the same shit to happen again.

In this movie we find out that Demons are really just the ghosts of Velociraptors.

Micah, what a dumb name, does try to solve the problem, but he does it like some kind of retard. And although his character has some funny lines in the movie, he gets really annoying as he more or less acts like a pissed off boyfriend the whole time. When Katie wants to call an exorcist, tough guy says "No" because it will only make it worst (what?) and that its his house and that he's going to beat that loser Demon's ass for messing with his girl. He continues to not take any of it seriously, even after its been established that there is actually a demon running around, and it makes things worst. And even though the fucking thing is invisible, he always reacts by running around and trying to find out who did it. The door slams. Oh NO, I wonder who did that, lets look around to see if they are hiding, even though we already have proof that it was an invisible demon.

And even though this movie wasn't really scary (sorry I just don't find door slamming on their own to be frightening) I know that if this shit was happening to me for real, it would be terrifying. no way would I sit around waiting for something else to happen. I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same bed again after thinking "Hey that demon might show up again tonight." So I see no reason why they stayed in the house, or didn't try to improve their situation somehow. By the end of the movie, everything has been built up to where you know something is going to happen, and then the movie ends stupidly. Its just really lame. There's no pay off at all. Just a cheap scare.

I just wanted to throw this in.

In reality the movie isn't that bad, but it isn't that good. Or any good. It isn't good at all, and I find myself going between the thought "It could be worst" and "so could a lot of things, and this movie is hyped up the butt" and I come to the conclusion that I don't really care. I just wrote this review because my other reviews have a tendency to be very long, and I'm wanted to see if the length of my reviews was at all related to me liking the movies or not. I still can't tell.

I think the only reason anyone really likes this movie is because its an "Independent Movie" and you should like things that are independent. Even if they're not that good. It's a movie that seriously anyone could have made, seriously, so don't see it alone. Or pay for your ticket. You should sneak in. But not alone.

6 out of 10 hypes up the butt

Black Dynamite 8/10

Black Dynamite is a good movie. I really liked it.

My favorite part was Black Dynamite!

Black Dynamite is Black. and explosive.

8/10 you Jive Motherfucka's

Triple Feature

Super 3-for-1 review for 

Mortal Kombat, Fist of the North Star, and the Legend of Chun LI 

SUPER ATOMIC FIGHTING EDITION

So after looking at some of my reviews I've noticed that most of them are for movies that arn't even worth reviewing. Like War, INC. Its one of the most forgettable movies, and I think I just reviewed it to review something.
What a shitty first review...

After thinking about the caliber of movies I review, I've decided to do a super duper MASS-REVIEW type thing instead of doing three reviews for these movies that don't deserve to get their own review. Just like I never got my own bedroom as a kid and had to share with my younger brother.

The truth is that I left my netflix unattended for a while and somehow got these three movies all on the same day and thought the similarities in them was worth reviewing more then the actual movies.

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First up is Mortal Kombat- 5 out of 10
Based off the popular fighting game that sucks and is nowhere as good as street fighter, this movie tells the story of mortals locked in combat, but spelled with a K, as they fight each other and shit.

I personally never liked the Mortal Kombat games that much because they're clunky and boring, and everyone I knew as a kid had the fatalities memorized, so it didn't matter how many times I actually won, because that one time I lose, I'd get my head knocked off and that sucks. bullshit. I don't have time to memorize crap like that. Not for Mortal Fucking Kombat!

The story is like every fighting game story there is where people fight to save the world and prove how bad they are by winning a competition. It takes place in a weird dimension, which is really just an island. I guess some dimensions are bigger then others.

Mortal Kombat: not as cool as Castlevania
 

The story doesn't matter because the movie is all about fighting. Except the fighting isn't very good either, and the movie really becomes about the awesome theme song that plays before the fucking movie even starts. The theme song that summarizes all the hokey, in your face attitude of the game. The theme song that allowed the Mortal Kombat sound track to go fucking platinum like before the movie even came out. The theme song I would hear blasted at roller rinks for years, while old people would boogie down to it, and then later blasted in every single Counter Strike server I've ever been in. I'm pretty sure the only reason they even made the movie was to have something for people to look at while listening to the theme song.

"I suck"
 

There are some good things, like the fact that the movie has the Highlander in it cracking subtle jokes left and right, and some bad things, like the fact that scorpions character is totally lame in it (his fucking stinger whip thing is useless, and he's the only character I ever actually liked) but for the most part DUDE THE THEME SONG IS FUCKING AWESOME! TEST YOUR MIGHT!!!!! FOR REAL, FUCK YOU!

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Second is Fist of the North Star- 4 out of 10
I love Hokuto no Ken. I love the comics. I love the show. I love the 86 animated movie. I love the video games. I love Kenshiro. I love Souther. I swear I'm going to name my second-born son Souther, after I name my first son Violence Jack. I love the story. I love the characters. I love touching guys with mohawks and making their heads explode.
I love this movie? not so much...

I'm pretty sure my motivation for putting this movie in my queue was because the novelty of a Fist of the North Star Live action movie was too hard to not watch. That had to be why. I've known that the movie was bad for as long as I've known of its existence, because they're no way a live action Fist of the North Star would ever be anything but terrible. So when I first started watching this movie, I was actually excited at first. Seeing the characters, the post-apocalyptic environment, all of it was exciting for like 5 minutes. then I forced myself to finish it so I could write this. There's not much else to say.

Souther isn't in it... fuck this movie.
 

Some pluses are that Malcolm McDowell plays Ryuken, Kenshiro's father, who spends the whole movie levitating in flashbacks screaming "KENSHIROOOOOOOOO!" And Rufio from Hook plays Bat, who dies the same way in it as he does in Hook. At least he sticks to what he's good at.

Bangarang :(

The bad is that Chris Penn, an actor I personally can't stand, plays a character called Jackal, who is supposed to be Jagi I guess, but not really... the character is pointless and makes this terrible movie even worst.

I'm glad he's dead...

I want to say that the movie could have been good, but I knew it was going to be bad. I mean, everyone knew it was going to be bad, even the filmmakers. They were probably like "Haha, someone has to make Fist of the North Star into a live action movie. Wait, we have too? Oh well..."

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Third movie is the Street Fighter Chun Li movie, or whatever its called. 2- 10

This movie looks terrible, and it ended up being terrible. How bout that..
Hey, lets take one of the most popular video game franchises there is and make a movie without anything from the games that makes it popular. Like having Chun Li be the main character, making Vega and Balrog useless, having Bison be a Irish business man from Thailand, and filling the rest of the movie with dumb characters from Street Fighter Alpha that no one cares about like Rose, or that are completely different from their videogame counterparts, like Charlie Nash. and Gen. Why is Gen in this? Why is Vega in it either? He's there all of 40 seconds before Chun Li beats him up, makes fun of how ugly he is, which is the opposite of how Vega is in the video games, and then moves on to the next scene. At least the animated movie had Chun Li and Vega actually fight each other, but then again, we also got to see Chun Li taking a shower.

Though we know him in the west as M. Bison, it isn't his original name.
In Japan he's known as That Happy Guy.

The story has something to do with Chun Li and her search for her father, who disappeared for whatever reason. And then Shadowloo is involved because come on, its Street Fighter. After that its just a bunch of cliches you find in other American made martial arts movies. She trains under Gen, who was a character from the first Street Fighter game that they put in the Alpha games as well. He's not an old man anymore though. He looks more like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat with a mustache...

All these Asian guys look the same to me...

None of the actors seem to fit their parts, with Chris Klein doing just about the worst job he could have at being an actor, hamming up every single scene he's in, and everyone else not being too far behind him. For real though, I hate it when actors think that a movie being based off a video game or a comic book means turning on the cheese. Great job Klein. You don't have to be super serious, but you can at least be watchable.

What a dick head

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The similarities in these movies are kinda weird. like how they're all bad movies. Its also the reason I thought I would review them.

Although I'd say Mortal Kombat is a notch better then the rest, its most likely because of that god damn theme song.  There's also the fact that I saw Kombat as a kid. Though I could even tell it sucked as a kid, there's a little bit of nostalgia still that. Street Fighter, on the other hand is probably the most forgettable movie to come out since War, INC. and manages to be even worst then the original Street Fighter movie, which was at least entertaining to watch.

There's also the fact that the best acting seems to come from the badguys in all three movies. This is something I noticed about most B grade action movies. The main character is played by someone lame and forgettable that's stuck playing the serious role, as the bad guy gets to be... ah, bad. It obviously more fun to be the badguy in these movies, so you tend to like them a bit more. In Mortal Kombat we get to see Cary Tagawa, who is an awesome actor, play Shang Tsung, a crazy Asian wizard guy that loves fighting, and probably drinking. He changes from being sneaky and evil to being over the top and cowardly. He's good. In Fist you get Costas "Crazy Name" Mandylor does  a decent job playing Shin. And in the Street Fighter movie you have Neal "Hi there" McDonough as M. Bison, who's watchable despite the fact that he's playing a Irish businessman from Thailand, that's Irish, from Thailand, and not an evil dictator. I mean, he didn't write the part, so I don't think it's his fault, and I always liked his character in Band of Brothers, so whatever.

ACTING!

The original Mortal Kombat game was made as competitor to Street Fighter II, and first conceived as a vehicle for Jean Claude Van Damme to endorse. JCVD already had his own fighting game coming out, which never happened, and couldn't do it, so his character was changed to Johnny Cage, who is also a famous Martial arts actor, and they decided to have the characters all be played by real actors anyways. Van Damme later stars in the Street Fighter movie, based of the game, which happens to be heavily influenced by the Fist of the North Star (The comic, not this movie) bringing everything full circle. So you have Fist of the North inspiring Street Fighter and Street Fighter influencing Mortal Kombat (sorta) tied together neatly with what I call the Van Damme connection.

11 out of 30 >:o

Return of the living dead 9/10

This documentary, which is based on true events that happen to real people, tells the story of how punk rock was killed. And then brought back to life again.. and then nuked by the United States Army. It also answers the question of what happened to Louisville Kentucky.

Though I've been wanting to see this movie for a long time, being a pretty big fan of zombie movies, my misconceptions of what the movie was about always lead me to assume it wasn't worth watching. I've always disliked the Horror genre. Not because I don't like Horror movies, because I do, but because so many movies in the genre are shit. I think when done well, Horror can provide some of the best movies out there, but while the good movies can be great, the bad ones have the amazing ability to be popular as well. What follows is a genre that's tied down with filmmakers that would rather half ass their movies and gun for the "Cult Classic" title, than make an actual good movie. Which is what I was expecting.

After finely given into the urge to see a punk rock zombie movie I realized that the movie is actually really good. Like fucking awesome good. Its that good, yeah.

Though part of me wants to say I like camp, because I've always felt that most movies take themselves way too seriously, and if they lightened up a bit, they'd be so much more enjoyable, I've always defined "camp" as being the annoying part of a movie where the filmmakers let the audience know that they are aware of how bad they are at making the movie you're watching and don't plan on trying any harder. Its like when a comedian is telling really dumb jokes that aren't funny, and keeps telling you how unfunny they are, without putting any effort into them because hey, you can't say they aren't funny if they aren't trying to be, right? In fact I consider it to be one of the worst sins a filmmaker can commit, because why even try to make a good movie when you can wink and nod at the audience? Its bullshit, and I see more and more people letting filmmakers get away with it. Look at the fact that shit like Shoot Em Up exists and tell me I'm wrong.

Shoot 'em up was good the first time when it was called Crank and didn't suck.

Not only does Return of the Living Dead avoid doing this, but it goes on to do something pretty amazing by balancing its comedy with its scares, without either being gratuitous. In fact I can't think of another movie that does it quite as well. Even some of the jokes in Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness fell a little too over the top, while the scares fell cheap. But never is there a moment in Return that I felt was out of place or unjustified in its execution. Which is pretty rare for me to say. In the end I may not feel like Return of the Living Dead is the "Best" movie ever made, but it definitely feels like its the best movie it can possibly be, making it almost a perfect movie.

The first element of the movie that makes it shine is the acting. Everyone knows that horror movies are known for bad acting, making the death of character all the more enjoyable. Low budget Horror movies are even more notorious, which is why the excellent acting in this movie was so surprising. Right off the bat you meet Frank and Freddie, two guys working in a chemical waste disposal company, or something. Franks been there for a while and Freddie is new. When Freddie asks Franks about his weirdest experiences, Frank tells him a story of how the Night of the Living Dead was based on a true event, but certain things were changed so that the filmmakers wouldn't get their asses sued off by the Army, because the Army is pretty well feared for suing the asses off of filmmakers. Although this plot point is so unnecessary, there's something charming about the fact that the movie is a kind of sequel to the granddaddy of Zombie movies, without it being anything like it. And because this is a true story, it makes Night of the Living dead, by extension, a true story too.

The two go into the basement to see the containers that contain the last remaining remains of the dead living dead. This is the point in the movie where you usually have something ridiculous happen that results in the mayhem the movie has promised. In this movie they cut the shit and just let the movie begin. We're then treated to an intro to Freddy's punk rocker friends, and the movie is officially under way. The characters, being well acted and all, shine and make the story intriguing. Meaning that when they die, which they will since its a fucking zombie movie, you say "oh no" instead of "good, fuck that guy, stupid asshole, this move sucks." 

This guy is more punk than a skunk.

 As one thing leads to another, the character find themselves surrounded as the dead comeback to life and seek out the living in search for "BRAAAAIINNNS!" Why do they want brains? Because being dead sucks and munching brains is just something to do. Things continue to escalate from bad to badder to baddest of all, before become worst, worstest, and then just pretty terrible.

Everyone's having a good time!

Another thing that moves the film from being pretty good to being almost perfect is the amazing soundtrack. The music perfectly fits the tone of the movie with some great tracks from horror punk bands like The Cramps, TSOL, and the Damned. It even has a track from the Tallboys, a band with Nigel Lewis and Mark Robertson of The Meteors fame(not that they're famous).

The final thing that makes this movie the shit is when we get tits from out of nowhere. Theres a character in the movie that's like that one girl we all knew in high school that was really short and weird and liked to get attention by being short and weird. She would say really dumb and weird things but was kind of cute in a creepy and weird way. yeah she gets naked in this movie and starts dancing around in a graveyard. its awesome. One minute she's saying weird stuff to one of the other character, who's weirded out for obvious reason, and then BAM, shes topless, then BAAAAMM, totally naked, and we have the recipe for one of my favorite scenes in recent memory. It's almost as cool as the "this is a chemical burn" scene from Fight Club. I don't care what anyone says, that's an awesome movie.

NAKED!

Oh and there's the Tarman. He loves brains. He adorable. I'm pretty sure that if I saw this movie as a kid I would think the Tarman was real and would have nightmares about him, because as an adult I think the Tarman is real and I have nightmares about him. If I ever meet the Tarman on the street and he looks at me and says "BRAINS!" I'll probably just shit my pants and faint. I plan to show it to my kids to see how they react. They're probably just end up scared to death of black people though. Yeah I said it, Tarman looks like one of those black face cartoons from back in the day, only he's scary in a slightly fascinating way rather then being offensive in a slightly hilarious way. and he wants BRAINS!!

Wanting brains is offensive!

As stated earlier the movie comes off to me as being as close to being the best movie that it can, making it what I call a perfect movie. Its not the best movie, but its almost complete lack of flaws puts it, in my eyes, in a rare category. Its the kind of movie you can tell was fun as hell to make for everyone involved. Its just too bad that writer and director Dan O'Bannon, better known for writing the movie Alien (yeah, the famous one with Sigourney Weaver) and the B-17 scene in Heavy Metal (the best one in the movie) and lesser know for contributing with John Carpenter early in both their careers on Dark Star and doing effects work on Star Wars (yeah the famous one with Chewbacca), didn't get more work after this movie, because he proved that unlike most people in the business, he has his shit together. It also lives in a weird place between being both a cult classic that gets pretty decent referencing in pop culture while still being obscure and underrated. Its like everyone has heard of zombies that want BRAINS!! but no one knows its from this movie, or that this movie exists. But they should. It has tits in it.

9 out of 10 paramedics

Pineapple Express 8/10

Seth Rogan plays a stoner. The guy from Spiderman that plays Harry Osborn plays a drug dealer. The annoying boss guy from Office Space is the bad guy. Its got that one black guy from the Office in it too. Not Stanly. The other one that works in the docking place underneath. He's pretty funny in it. I guess that's mostly it. The story doesn't matter.

The plot is that these guys are getting high a lot and crazy shit happens to them. Its pretty crazy.
This is a standard stoner adventure comedy, which have a tendency to pop up every like 5 years and cause everyone I know to wet their pants over how fresh the humor is, even though its pretty much the same hat as the last stoner movie. Examples would be Harold and Kumar coming out 5 years ago, and Half Baked coming out 5 years before that.


The movie is actually pretty funny, if you arn't bothered by the positive portrayal of characters that use weed, which seems to actually be a problem for some since the imdb board are filled with anti-marijuana threads, but I still find it odd how fresh and new the movie fells when its just like every single stoner movie put out since Cheech and Chong got in the game.

 He's in this.

It starts by introducing the main characters in a standard slice of life scene where you have one guy standing around doing and saying crazy shit and the other guy being WTF?-you-crazy'd out by the craziness. Then more crazy shit happens and its pretty funny because the characters are all stoners and you think to yourself, "hey it would be fun to be friends with these guys in real life." At some point the story kicks in and you're like "Ok whatever." Then more craziness happens when crazier characters start to show up, and now its really funny, and you're think "I'v never seen anything like this before." And then the movie has to try and wrap itself all up by giving you some kind of ending that justifies all the craziness and you're like "Ok, this is still cool" even though deep done we all hate the endings of these movies and it more or less "same old shit" as the other stoner movies like in Half Baked when they are fighting that drug dealer guy that I always remember as being Samual Jackson, even though he's not, and I know that, but I can't help myself. Then you get the ending scene where the character are back to being who they are, maybe even better people in some way, and the movie ends. This one ends with one of the longest and stupidest scenes in a stoner movie, with the character talking about how much they are friends now, and because of how long, stupid, and pointless it is its probably the best ending a stoner movie could have.

Craig Robinson should be in more movies.

 
Still, the movie feels fresh, despite how much it really isn't, and I think a lot of it has to do with the budget for the movie. While Harold and Kumar always felt like a Dvd hit, and Half Baked was always a Comedy Central movie, because that's where we all saw it, don't lie like you went to the theater to see it, this movie feels like an actually... um, movie movie. And people actually saw it in the movie movie theater. So because of that, you get the feeling like, "hey, its a real movie with the stoner mentality" unlike Harold and Kumar or Half Baked, which don't count, because they aren't real movies, and I think that's where I was disappointed a bit.

The movie always sold itself as a action/thriller type outing but with all the funny craziness of a stoner movie added to it, kinda like if your favorite action movie lighted up and took itself less serious. It really isn't, but you watch it thinking it is, never noticing that its pretty much Cheech and Chong with Seth Rogan and the guy from Spiderman that plays Harry Osborn in it, and you say, "that was like nothing I've ever seen before wow!" By the time you actually reflect on it, its too late because you can't take that shit back!

The movie gets its name from weed. The movie is all about smoking weed

In the end Pineapple Express is the the most unique breath of fresh air type movie you will ever see because we all know what a big stoner you are and how terrible your memory is. Its hilarious and it has the guy from Spiderman that plays Harry Fucking Osborn in it, so don't even act like it doesn't. Your just being a jerk here.

The Last Dragon 8/10

For years I've been looking for the next cool kung fu or martial arts movie to keep an eye out for in discount bins or to put in my netflix queue when I run out of good stuff, and I have, for years, continued to stumble across the movie the Last Dragon. I always figured it was a cheap Hollywood byproduct of the kung fu and karate boom in the 80's and would be pretty boring. And while it is indeed a product of kung fu's sweeping over pop culture throughout the 80's, the movie is never boring.

The plot of The Last Dragon is of "Bruce" Leeroy Green, a kung fu practitioner in Harlem as he searches for the true master. You get it? "Bruce Lee"roy. The whole point of the movie is to take the kung fu, karate, and ninja type movie themes and place them in New York, and its the reason this movie is so much fun.

The movie can best be described as a mix between vintage 80's John Carpenter and Walter Hill. You got the east meets west surrealism from Big Trouble in Little China, mixed with the attitude of Escape from New York and The Warriors. But more then anything else the movie feels a lot like Streets of Fire but good. I know The Warriors was from '79, but whatever, same thing. the movie is pure 80's fun.

At least the poster's cool.

The movie starts with a cool training scene, some general eastern enlightenment from a small Asian man, and the introduction to Leeroy Green, who may or may not be at all related to Leroy Brown.
The second scene has Leeroy in a Harlem movie theater watching Enter the Dragon. We see a bunch of colorful characters being colorful, like having people randomly break dancing before getting their ghethobuster smashed. Leeroy is just siting in the front row, minding his own business and eating popcorn with chopsticks when a gang of music video rejects enter the theater to make way for none other then SHO' NUFF, the mother fucking SHO-GUN of Harlem; not to be confused with the Duke of New York, A-number 1.

Who da MASTA?!?!

SHo NuFF, which is how I think his name would be spelled on the internet, takes no time in declaring himself a super-badass before sitting down to enjoy the movie. He's told that Bruce Leeroy is badder, something you just don't tell SHo NuFF, and sure enough SHo NuFF starts kicking ass and biting ankles.

So by now I already love this movie, and it continues on to deliver on being ridiculously hip, in an 80's way. Which for me is good. I like the 80's and even though it could be seen as dated, because it totally is, it serves a second purpose of being a period piece. All the dancing and singing and karate kicking around is what I remember about the 80's, having been born in 84 and growing up with cheesy music videos and ninja influenced television.

Haha, what the fuck?

The acting in the movie is what it should be. Which means that it isn't good, but it shouldn't be good, because good would ruin it. Taimak, the lead, does a pretty good job, and Vanity, the love interest, is pretty good looking, despite how crazy her hair is. Theres also a weird black kid that plays Leeroy's brother that looks like he's 12 but acts like he's a full grown man. Theres something weird going on there. There's also a student of Leeroy's that declares that he can get away with not knowing martial arts by simply being Asian and acting crazy. The fact that he doesn't really look Asian, and is obviously well trained in martial arts just makes it funnier.

Not Asian.... 

There's also a lot of great 80's music, this being Berry Gordy's the Last Dragon and all, which rounds the movie out and makes it enjoyable.

This is what Vanity looks like.. Not in the movie, but, you know, in real life...

In the end The Last Dragon is a "Cult Hit" that will one day be taken by hip film intellectuals and turned trendy and gay. Until that happens you should try your hardest to see it. Unless it's already happened, in which case I say fuck that trendy overrated shit and see Streets of Fire instead, because it will never be a "Cult Hit", because it sucks.

8 out of 10 glowing masters